The Adventures of Flybunny

No Appropriate Title

Happy Birthday Mom!  I love you so much.  I think about you everyday and miss you more than you will ever know.

Letting Go

Some of you know that the big girls attend a posh school and by posh I mean the children of the business leaders of our fair city send their kids there, the parking lot is filled with beemers, mercedes etc. 

Anyway, sending them to school there has always been a struggle for me not for the education but for the social pressure that my kids face because we cannot even pretend to be able to keep up with the joneses.  So when the girls started school there almost 10 yrs ago I had all these ideas in my head that we would become friends with the other parents and there would be play dates and dinners with other families etc. The reality was so far from that.

I grew up in a smallish town in southern Missouri (damn near in arkansas) and it was a decidedly blue collar town so I basically had no exposure to the wealthy, not rich but wealthy.  So the posh school environment was complete and total culture shock for me.  These people live close to school, we do not.  They all socialize together and go to fund raisers and volunteer for various organizations around town.  We do not.  I could go on but you get the jest of it.

I tried reaching out to a couple of parents and organized a girls night out, we went and it was fun.  The other three thought it was so fun they started doing them fairly regularly with some other Moms but didn't invite me and my feelings were hurt.  Going to any school function was so uncomfortable for me and I always felt alone unless Mr Fly was with me. 

Last year I finally let go of the notion that I had to be friends with these people since they obviously did not want to be friends with me and I once I let it all go, things changed.  I suddenly felt more comfortable at school functions.  I quit letting my feelings get hurt and realized that honestly, there is probably only a handful of the parents I would want to socialize with anyway.  I can go to functions and visit and make small talk and its ok. 

Letting go felt so good now I just need to apply that to other areas of my life.

Venturing Out

I don't think I have ever blogged about my family or really much about politics (although early on I think I did have a small rant about singing the national anthem in spanish) but I am going to venture into this topic today because I just heard something that has me rattled.

I am the youngest of 3.  My brothers are 10 & 7 years older than me and admittedly we are not very close.  I would like to blame it on the age difference but really we have nothing in common outside of my Dad and it became very apparent to me when we were dealing with Mom's illness and subsequent death that while I love my brothers because they are my brothers, I really don't care for them. 

My oldest brother (who lives in the same metro area that I do and I still only see him on holidays and then probably only every other year or so) is VERY VERY conservative and very judgmental.  When we were younger, we had a fairly good relationship but as we got older and our personalities formed our relationship changed but I still talked to him and sought him out occasionally for advice.  When he got married, our relationship changed again and then as we have both had families and moved firmly into adulthood it has become very apparent that we have absolutely nothing in common - not even kids because he parents VERY differently than I do and well we just both have different values - not one better than the other but very different.

My middle brother is the proverbial black sheep of the family.  We did not get along growing up and I grew to resent him for the pain and heartache he put my parents through.  As we got older, he resented me because I was spoiled but also because I am very close to our parents.  He failed to see that I held a job through high school and college and paid for many of the things he expected Mom and Dad to pay for. I was far from perfect but he thought I thought I was better than him. He has changed somewhat  but we still do not have anything close to resembling a sibling relationship.  He recently got married and at 44 expected my Dad (who lives on social security and a small retirement) to foot the bill - that is a post for a whole other day.  He doesn't have any kids so even when we do talk it is meaningless small talk.

So here is where I venture outside of my comfort zone. 

My nephew is graduating from high school this weekend.  He is a good good kid.  He makes decent grades, babysits for neighbors, attends church and has even gotten his Eagle Scout award.  He is a jr police officer for the small town that he lives in and plans to pursue a career in law enforcement after college. 

My nephew is 18 and still does not have his driver's license because my brother does not want to pay for the insurance increase.  He contacted me a couple of months ago about cell phones (I used to work for a telecom) so for a graduation gift, I offered to buy him a phone and pay for the plan until he got a job.  It was a great deal because of my employee benefits I could put him on a good plan dirt cheap.  Me, being the responsible sister that I am, call my brother to run it by him to make sure they were OK with it.  They were not.  He is not responsible enough, he is too immature and we don't want to get stuck paying for the bill when he doesn't (which wouldn't have happened because I would have been liable).  Did you read the part up there about him being a good kid and having his eagle scout????

My brother and his wife have sheltered my nephew so much that that haven't allowed him any opportunities to mature or prove that he is responsible.  And now the kicker, the immature kid is being "presented with the opportunity" to join the national guard.  Right now I will freely admit I am making some broad assumptions because I think my brother does not want to pay for college so he wants C to do something where someone else will pick up the bill (GI Bill etc) so he is "strongly encouraging" this.  The same kids who does not have a drivers license and has never had anything close to resembling freedom is being asked to make a life changing decision without the tools necessary to evaluate the impact of this decision. 

I am sick to my stomach over this.  The unit he would be joining has already been deployed to Iraq twice.  According to my Dad, he would get his college paid for and would have to have active duty once a month and go through boot camp this summer.  Now we all now that the military is short of bodies and I don't for one minute think that his being in college will keep him from being deployed.  I want to tell him not to do it.  Risking his life because his Dad is a cheap ass is not worth it.  I want to tell him to go to college and get his education and I will get him a cell phone so he can be a normal kid.  I want him to make friends and find a girlfriend without his parents interference.  I do not want him to be in harms way and I cannot believe that my brother is encouraging this. 

Don't get me wrong, I am beyond grateful for those who put their lives on the line or those who have lost their lives for our freedom.  I do not agree with the war, I never have because I think we were mislead but I think we are too far in this and and leaving the area too early will result in devastation to that area that I don't even want to fathom.  Because of this, I am fairly sure that at some point my nephew would be put in harms way (he will more than likely be a MP because of his jr police training).  I am just devastated by this but I don't have the relationship with my brother or his bitchy wife (who did not attend my mother's funeral) to say anything.  Mr F thought he might try to talk to C to see if he could get a handle on his feelings but that probably won't happen. 

So I just sit here and cross my fingers and hope beyond all hope that that if this does happen it is for the right reasons not the wrong reasons and hope that my sweet, kind nephew will be OK>

So what do you do with the baby?

I don't know that I have completely called out the fact that I am not gainfully employed at this time.  I took a voluntary separation package (for the second time) from my employer and my last day at work was April 4th.  The comment I hear most often is how I must be loving having all this time with the baby and people are very often surprised to hear that I still take her to daycare which is promptly followed by surprised looks.

I really didn't think that much about until I kept having to repeat the story this weekend while visiting with some family from out of town.  My reasons are multiple and very simple.  I am going to have to go back to work and probably sooner rather than later so in my mind keeping her in daycare is a no brainer.  Smiley absolutely and completely loves the ladies that watch her during the day.  Every morning when we turn the corner of her house, she starts kicking her legs and is so happy to see them so I know that she is being well cared for and is loved.  Her daycare never has openings (in fact it was a pure fluke that we got in when we did - she actually had someone quit the day I called her) and I don't want to lose my spot.  Smiley loves interacting with the other kids.  She has her sisters to entertain her in the evenings/weekends and while she loves her Mama,  she loves kids too and she is so social she really needs the interaction with other kids.  And finally, I need to get my house deep cleaned before I start back to work and I find that I get distracted with playing with her and avoid housework so in the end it all works out. 

I usually keep her home with me 1-2 times a week and her hours there are shorter but this also allows me to spend some time with the big girls which since Smiley has come along, time with Mom has been at a premium so again, it all works out.

But after this weekend, I really felt like I was being judged for not keeping her with me.  I don't normally let things like that bother me but for whatever reason it really got to me and I felt myself explaining over and over why and why it is a good thing but all I got were sad looks in return.  I have my reasons and they are good and I know that this is the right decision but I guess it bothers me that I am letting it bother me.  I just need to tell myself to get over it and get on with my life but that is really easier said than done.

PS.  Tweenager's soccer team played in yet another tournament this weekend and this time they won their age division/bracket.  It was a very exciting game that went into overtime.  In the past 2 weekends their record is 6-1-1 - not bad for a team who up until last weekend had only ever won 3 games in 4 tournaments.  She also turned 11 on Friday - yikes less than 2 years to the dreaded teenage years.

PPS.  Baby Smiley goes in for an EEG/consult with a neurologist tomorrow morning.  I don't expect them to find anything but please keep your fingers crossed that everything is normal!

PPPS.  Because I haven't really talked about her Chatter Box is doing OK.  She also started playing soccer this spring and so far seems to enjoy it.  School is going well for her and she seems to have found her niche in creative writing.  I will have to get her permission to share one of her stories - they truly are interesting to read because she writes so descriptively.

All Clear

Baby girl had her head CT this morning and everything is normal in her sweet little noggin.  I did have a brief moment of panic when the pediatrician called this afternoon with the results because at the hospital they told me it would be 24-48 hrs before we got results and in my past experiences, when you get quick results it is because there is a problem but luckily that was not the case.  We are still going to see the neurologist next week for an EEG just to make sure that her brain waves are normal  but I am not worried at all now.   Sending kudos to the nurses at our children's hospital - they were able to get baby girl to sleep before the CT so they didn't have to sedate her.  That made me very happy. 

And the tweenie's soccer team placed second in a tournament this weekend and it was a lot of fun to watch them finally have some success because prior to this weekend her team had never won more than 1 game in a tournament.

Hope everything in your world is A OK! 

How much is enough?

I have someone who is in my life but not by my choice and this person has caused me more stress than should be allowed.  After the past couple of days, I am at my wits end but I am not sure how to proceed.

Because of this persons relationship with someone I love and respect, I cannot completely cut them out of my life but I desperately want to.  This is not someone I would seek out a relationship with because the qualities that are key to their personality are ones that I despise - neediness, materiality, passive-aggressive behavior, self centered etc.  I walk on egg shells with this person because feelings are VERY EASILY hurt by the most innocent things and then things get dramatic and then I have to be the bigger person etc etc. 

I am tired of being the bigger person and on Friday I had had enough and lashed out at this person - not in a horribly mean way but I did not back down from my stance and predictably things went south.  I am at the point now where I will not accept phone calls from them nor will I return text messages or e-mails of which there are many. 

My problem is that when my loved one finds out about this latest "incident" I am afraid our relationship will be damaged.  So I am not sure how to proceed.  I don't want to be the one to make nice this time.  I want this person to realize that they WAY over reacted to something that in the grand scheme of life is very insignificant.  I want them to apologize for the over reaction but I know that won't happen and this time, I will not back down.  So that will leave us at an impasse of sorts and I guess it will come down to who is the most stubborn.   

What I really want to know is how much you would put up with? How many times would you endure the drama over the smallest of things?  Knowing that this person will never see the reality of the situation, would you stand your ground or would you back down to preserve the peace and your relationship with this other person?  I really really am interested in your thoughts....

 

Coaching for a Cause

In 2001, both my Mom and Mr Fly's Mom were diagnosed with cancer - mine with lung cancer, his with ovarian cancer.  Mr F's mom died in Oct of 2002 - I wrote this in 2006 and it is still probably the best post I have ever written, IMO and it still makes me cry every time I read it.

Before the HS girls season started Mr F decided that he wanted to raise awareness about Ovarian Cancer because it get so little attention in the media or else where.  All cancers are scary but this cancer is especially so because the symptoms can often be attributed to other more benign illnesses and often it is.  It so scary that the slogan is "it whispers, so listen" because often it is found too late to do anything for it, as was the case with his Mother.

Tomorrow night his HS girls will be wearing teal jersey's during his first ever coaching for a cause game.  Before the game they will pay tribute to his Mom and the honorary captain for the night is a co-worker that is currently battling ovarian cancer.  If she feels up to it, Mrs M will be on the field for the coin toss.  On his own, he contacted the National Ovarian Cancer Coalition and got tons of materials that will be handed out to all the fans.  He was telling a coaching buddy about the game and his buddy  did some research and decided that he too wanted to do something so HIS HS team is doing the same thing and they are donating the take from the gate to research.

I know doing this type of event is hard and brings up many different emotions but he is persevering.  He wrote the tribute for his Mother himself and it is fantastic.  He wants to make this a tradition and in the fall he wants to do lung cancer - for my Mom.  I am so proud of my husband for doing this and for his passion in doing this.  He has inspired others to take action all in the name of his Mother. 

So tomorrow night, we will be proudly wearing our teal shirts and cheering for our favorite team and remembering the woman who meant so much to all of us and hoping and praying for a cure. 

Hello Again & Asking for help

After a longer than anticipated absence, I have decided that I am going to dust this off and try again. I had several posts written in my mind but couldn't get motivated to actually login and post.  Honestly, I was really struggling with my blogging persona because I am a lay it all on the line person.  I don't hide much from anyone and I felt myself holding back on some things (out of respect for some people but also because I feared judgment on some other things) and it was really bothering me.  I still don't quite know where I have landed on it yet so I am really interested to see if I will let it all hang out.

I have lots of things to catch you all up on but there is one thing I need your help on because you see my sweet sweet baby girl (who is 10 months old OMG almost a 1 how did that happen???) needs your prayers.  In early March she was sitting on the carpeted floor just playing away and she lost her balance and fell backwards.  I didn't get all excited because I didn't want to scare her but she made a sound that wasn't normal.  I went a picked her up just as her eyes rolled back in her head.  She went limp and quit breathing.  For the first time EVER I called 911 as I watched her go completely pale and get blue around her lips.  By the time the paramedics got her (less than 2 minutes, they are awesome) she was coming around and after a visit to our local children's hospital it was determined that she had an impact seizure.  Basically it is the equivalent of an adult hitting their head hard enough to see stars but our brains are mature enough to process it and hers is not.  No indication of anything more sinister lurking in there etc but enough to shave 50 years off my life span.  We went on our merry way.

Wednesday it happened again.  She was standing up holding onto my legs and fell through them and bonked her head on the cabinet.  I didn't think it was very hard but she did the silent scream and then went limp again with the eyes rolling around.  This one only lasted about 30 seconds and I don't know that she quit breathing but at the insistence of the pediatrician on call we headed back to the hospital where we proceeded to spend 6 hours trying to get the nosiest baby in the world to go to sleep so they wouldn't have to sedate her so she could get a head CT.  Needless to say that did not happen.  While we were there she also decided to throw up everything she had eaten in the past 2 hours.  Luckily it only hit my shoes, unluckily I didn't have any socks on and it was pretty gross.  This caused some breathing issues as it appeared that she sucked back in some mucous so she had to be deep suctioned and then have a breathing treatment.  They tried to give her an oral sedation that caused her to turn into a lunatic that was hell bent on biting me.  At 1:15 a.m. I told the Dr I was done.  I was not going to let them strap her down and scream the entire time, I was not going to let them do an IV sedation because that would mean we would be there for another 2 hrs minimum.  We left and promised to follow up with our pediatrician.  She was totally herself (other than the biting stuff) at this point - crawling all over the place, laughing and being over the top cute) so I felt comfortable taking her home.

So anyway, because this has now happened twice we need to get confirmation that there isn't anything sinister lurking in that tiny noggin so we have a head CT scheduled for first thing April 28th.  We also have to visit a seizure clinic to see a neurologist so they can run an EEG on her to make sure her brain waves are normal.  So if you could help us out and send us some thoughts that everything is normal, I would appreciate more than I could ever express. 

I know in my heart that everything is fine.  She is such a happy baby and she is meeting or exceeding all of her milestones for her age so this is really a better safe than sorry scenario but it really does scare the ever living hell out of me.  I have reservations about the sedation and injecting dye into her.  I know it is safe and she will be well taken care of but it still gives me pause.  I have to try very hard to keep myself from playing the "what if" game.  I am pretty successful but sometimes, I give in and it always ends with me in tears. 

So there it is, I stay away for months on end and come back and ask for something, please accept my apologies and now that I am once again no longer working, I will try to be more diligent in posting.  I really do need the release that blogging affords me.

 

Reflection

As you all know, my year was filled with ups and downs and many many other frustrations.  As. I look backward, I can honestly say I am slamming the freaking door in the face of 2007.  I am thrilled to have the baby in my life but other than that, 2007 can kiss my lily white ass. 

There has been so much going on that I haven't blogged about, drama with my FIL's significant other, the drama within my own family, my struggles with being back in the work force and trying to balance the kids and the domestic chores and family finances etc etc.  There are days when I feel the weight of the world and just want to run away from it all.

BUT I have a beautiful family that love me and make me so happy.  Mr Fly is so supportive and loving even on the days when I am pretty unlovable.  The big girls make me laugh and Tyler has a smile that could light up the world.  I have so many things to be grateful for and I have to keep those things in my sight.  I have a job that allows me to provide for my family.  I have a home, with heat and air conditioning.  I have my health.  I have love, lots and lots of love.

And now I look towards the upcoming year.  I can't quite bring myself to say I am excited but I am being cautiously optimistic.  We have some things in the works that will hopefully give me peace of mind.  We are going to hire someone to come in and clean every other week.  We are seeing a financial planner to help me get our finances in order and I am really really close to convincing Mr F that we need to hire one of those organization experts to come in and help us get our house in order, although at this point that might be a long shot.

All that aside, I am going to make more time to take care of myself.  I am going to embrace my job and appreciate it for what it is - a job. I am not going to let others project their insecurities on to me without consequence - meaning they are going to hear about it, not to be mean but I have to much of my own emotion to deal with without having to deal with others.  I am going to appreciate my kids for who they are as individuals.  I might even try to start blogging more regularly again.  Above all, I am going to seek happiness and make 2008 a year of laughter and love.

I thank all of you, my dear dear readers, for sticking with me through this year of whining and crying and rejoicing and most of all for your support for without you, this year would have have REALLY REALLY sucked.  I wish for all of you to have a year of love, laughter and peace.

So I leave you with this my 3 wise girls

and smiley says "Go Tigers!!!"

A Little Lost

Well I made it through my first major holiday without my Mom.  After a lot of drama the two preceding weeks involving my FIL's significant other, Turkey Day went off without a hitch.  Sure I was sad but it wasn't overwhelming and it was a nice day even though my Dad was not here but home in bed with the mother of all sinus infections.  I talked to him several times because I really wanted him here but took comfort that he has a neighbor who takes good care of him and brought him dinner and dessert.

Fast forward to today.  Today we got something in the mail that I have always wanted - an invitation to an actual full blown Christmas party.  I have always, always wanted to go to a party like this.  This particular party is being hosted by a rather affluent family (Dad is CEO of a large international company) so the house will be immaculately decorated and the who's who of our fair city will be represented and while I will admit it will be intimidating, I am so excited but for one small detail...I won't be able to share this with my Mom.

When Mr Fly took the job at posh school my Mom was so excited.  She loved the thought of us getting to visit some of the beautiful mansions that are present in our fair city.  Whenever we were invited to one, I would call her early the next morning and relay all of the details I could remember and she loved every minute of it.  We have actually been to this particular house previously but it was for a soccer event and this is much much different. 

I will miss discussing what I should wear (I honestly have no idea so I am enlisting a trusted friend) and the subsequent discussion on the decorations and who was there and what we ate etc.  I have found through the past almost 4 months that it hasn't been the big things (birthdays and holidays) but the little things I miss.  I miss calling her on the way to pick up the girls, I miss shopping with her, I really missed going to the Jr League shopping event in Oct, I miss her cooking advice, I miss her and am feeling a little lost.