I have been trying to write this post for the past hour and can't get past the first sentence no matter how I word it or how I change it around it just doesn't work so forgive me if this is disjointed.
I have been through a bout of depression before. It wasn't too serious and I recognized fairly early that the effect of the things that were happening were having on me and sought out help pretty quickly. I took Prozac for 6 months before I found out I was pregnant and then weaned myself off because I felt better and things have been pretty good since then. Sure there have been some major stresses but I got through them fine. The past month or so, not so much.
Thing is I probably didn't even really realize what was going on until I read this http://www.whiskeyinmysippycup.com/2008/02/22/leap-of-faith-friday/ and then I saw myself through my daughter's eyes as Mr Lady see's her own mother and it scared the living hell out of me (sorry for the long url but typepad has changed somethings that I just cannot figure out at this wee hour). Things have happened in the past week that have made me doubt not only who I am as a person, but what kind of Mother I am and I would never in a million years have thought I would be where I am today.
I am a
yeller screamer. I am impatient with just about everything but quiet. I am anxious and overly emotional. I get frustrated and I cry. The little things eat away at me. I don't forget what happened a month ago. I say things I immediately regret and find it hard to apologize. I snap at everyone and everything and at times, I feel like a hormonal teen trapped in a 37 yr old body. Or I just check out and don't deal at all. I stare vacantly at a book or the TV. I don't react to anything or anyone. I sit and try to block it all out because I fear if I let it in, it will be my undoing. I am holding on to the the rope that separates the scary deep end of the pool from the shallow end but my grip has slackened and last week, I almost let go...
Today, I cried. I could not cope with anything - the baby crying, the girls having a minor disagreement, dinner, the chaos that has overtaken my house or forgetting my wallet that took up an extra hour that I needed. I cried because I want my Mom. I want my middle child to be OK. I want my oldest to be less anxious. I cried because I feel so overwhelmed it is suffocating. I cried because I am so lonely that my heart hurts. Whether it is true or not, when I had my moment last week, I had no one that I could turn to (outside of my husband) who would listen without judgment and could make me feel better and tell me that is is going to be OK . I needed a friend but had no where to turn. I am still crying.
Tomorrow, I call the psychiatrist.