A Year and a Day

So I tried to write this yesterday but I just couldn't, it was just too hard.

As of yesterday, my Mom has been gone for a year. I wasn't really sure what the day would bring or even what I was supposed to do. I mean really how do you mark the anniversary of a death. It isn't something that you celebrate per se and there aren't any Hallmark cards that say, Your loved one has been dead for a year, hope you are dealing with it or Hey, It's been a year get over it already. Do you retreat inside yourself or act as if nothing has happened?  I was in both camps yesterday but mostly some place in between. 

Overall, the day was mostly OK. There were plenty of distractions with Bug (the 11 yr old) having a back-to-school party (first of 4 this week) and chatty and a friend going to the pool and this oh so small matter of our sewer line backing up and having to have roto rooter come clean it out. But through all of that my thoughts were firmly around Mom. I had to try hard to not relive what was going on last year and I mostly succeeded. My most emotional moments were really around Smiley - she is so funny right now and Mom loved this age, she would have gotten such a kick out of her. There is also have the added stress of Dad still being in the hospital. We talked on Saturday night if he wanted me to drive down and put flowers on her grave and he didn't. He told me what he had planned to do (donate $ to the church in her memory) had he been home and he was rather upset that he wasn't home to do it. My brother contended that it was good he was in the hospital because he was distracted. I contend that he would be much happier at home without the various tubing and wires protruding from his body. My brother and I disagree on many things and of course, this is no exception.

I think I have managed pretty well over the past year.  I have my moments of almost crippling grief but I think I have done OK. I can talk about her without crying and can remember all the fun we had. I think I have a harder time when others share their memories of her because I can see the impact that she had on so many other lives and it makes me sad that so many others have holes in their hearts as well.  It is also hard with the girls. Chatty has seemed to have the hardest time with losing Grandma but curiously enough she misses her most when she is having a rough time which is also when I miss her the most. Bug doesn't talk about it much and of course, Smiley doesn't remember her and that is so very very hard for me.

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Mom, not a day goes by that I don't wish to hear your voice or more importantly your laugh.

I miss our phone calls when I am driving. I even miss those frustrating calls when you couldn't get the computer to work right. I miss being able to just talk and have you listen and tell me it is going to be OK. 

I miss your cooking advice although I think you would be proud of the cook I am becoming.

I have only had one dream about you and in it you were smiling and laughing and it brought me much needed comfort.

The girls miss you so much that it makes my heart hurt but I know that you watch over them and keep them safe.

Plain and simple, I miss you and your presence and your love. I have a hole in my heart that will never heal - it may not hurt as much but it will never be the same.

I love you with all my heart has......Amy

Comments

[Busy Mom]

Thinking of you.

[WVULauren]

What a beautiful tribute to your mom. My heart goes out to you...

[Issa]

I'm so sorry. Hugs to you my friend.