The Adventures of Flybunny

There is a hole in my heart

So I have taken this big long break from blogging because it was just to hard. I am not great with commitments and there were some things going on that I don't want to share with the world and keeping them out was just too much work but today I feel the need to spill some words.

This morning a very very dear friend  JD had to have an emergency c-section at 25 weeks and baby Lucy did not survive. Baby boy (who does not have a name yet) is fighting and that is all they will tell us at this time.

I cannot get my thoughts around this. Lucy has defied the odds from the get go as she was not supposed to have made it this long. Week after week the dr's would paint these horrible scenarios where organs weren't developing etc. From the outset Dr's fully prepared JD that she would lose one of the babies so much so that she didn't tell us about baby #2 until 20 wks because of it. At 20 weeks, they told her she might lose both of them and she decided at that point that we needed to know the full story. 

As planned, she was admitted to the hospital to get the neccessary drugs to help the babies develop and to keep them in there as long as possible. Luckily she was there or she would probably have lost both of them. She delivered them via emergency c-section this morning.

I haven't been able to figure out why this has effected me to the degree it has. I have tried twice to go to the hospital but I just can't go - not yet. I think it was because I truly thought those babies would defeat the odds given them because they had until this morning. And I know part of it is just because babies aren't supossed to die, they just aren't . 

Please keep my friend in your thoughts and prayers JD, S, P (their 8 yr old) and baby boy and of course for Lucy who has to be the sweetest little angel.

Not spellchecking or proofreading. Am going to try to go to hospital - again.

I have been crying all afternoon and finally had to come home. I wasn't getting anything done.

Sometimes I Surprise Myself

Six years ago I decided that I needed to break up with my then best friend. It was a hard decision because for so many years she had been a prominent presence in my life, she was even my Maid of Honor when Mr Fly and I got married. I turned to her when I was sad and when I was going through a rough patch with a professor, she was by my side helping me. We were best friends as best friends should be - supportive of each other, a shoulder to cry on, someone to share private jokes with, a companion.

We met the first week of our freshmen year in college. I think to some it was probably an unusual friendship as we were polar opposites. I was a party girl who scheduled studying around parties and she studied all the time and partied only rarely. She was active in many different organizations, I was active in partying (do you see the trend here?). But through it all we remained best friends. I loved to make her laugh. I had silly voices/characters that would have her crying she was laughing so hard. We had so many good times together that even today make me smile.

Somewhere along the way we started growing apart. I am not sure when it really started happening but I noticed it more after I got engaged. So many little things happened, things that at the time I just let go and wrote it off to various stresses in her life (new lawyer, lots of law school debt etc). As I look back now maybe if I had said something it would have made a difference but deep down I know it probably wouldn't have because I think some of the tension was driven by jealousy. I had found my soul mate and she desperately wanted that. When I found out I was pregnant we grew apart even more.

Six years ago, we knew my MIL would not live much longer. We knew that there were no more treatment options and I had the unenviable task of telling my daughters that their grandmother was going to die. While all of this was going on I was keeping my friends apprised of the situation because I needed some support. I got nothing from her - not one single email, not one single phone call to check on me. However, as it got closer to our college homecoming all the sudden she wanted to know my plans, she wanted a piece of me for lack of a better term and I wasn't willing to give it. I am a total package, you take the good and the bad together and love me for who I am.

At homecoming, I refused to interact with her because I am mature. I was deeply hurt that it appeared that she didn't give a damn about me when I was hurting but when it was party time then she could be my friend. I waited for about a month so that I wasn't as emotional about it and sent her an e-mail (I know, I should have called but I couldn't bring myself to do it) and explained why I acted the way I did, I think I even apologized and told her I was hurting. What I got in return was a lot of blame, how I didn't do that and I didn't do that and that I ruined her time at homecoming. That was the end of our friendship.

There has been no contact between us with the exception of me sending her an I'm thinking about you e-mail when her parents home was destroyed by a tornado several years ago. She responded and probably made an overture of some nature in her response but my wounds were still fresh and I was having none of it. I let her go.

Today I found out that she got married almost a year ago and I found myself a bit sad that I wasn't involved in the festivities. I am very surprised by my reaction.  I have several theories about why I feel the way I do ranging from regret (over the way I handled things, I know I wasn't the most mature about it) to my own current emotional state to even a bit of jealousy around the people who were involved. But whatever my reaction may be I am glad she is happy and has finally found someone to love and to be loved because that is something she always desperately craved. I truly am happy for her.

Lessons Learned

I learned so much over the past couple of weeks I need to record so that I don't forget these very valuable lessons....

1. No matter how old or responsible you are, your parent(s) still see you as a little girl and will therefore withhold vital information so that you don't worry too much.

2. Being with a close friend who lives far away is some of the best therapy around and it is free.

3. A new hair cut/color/new makeup can do wonders for your mental state of mind.

4. Finding out someone that you really looked up to and held in high regard is really in fact human and makes very human mistakes is really humbling but also disappointing to know that in fact their judgment can be THAT impaired.

5. For the most part people in airports need to chill out and quit being such assholes.

6. It is very hard to sympathize, even empathize, with someone who wants something so badly that they cannot see beyond their desire to notice that what they have is actually pretty good.

7. It is very important to support your friends unconditionally even if you think they are being overly sensitive.

8. Going away for a few days is therapeutic and the family you leave behind will miss you terribly but it does not make them appreciate everything you do for them

9. Outdoor weddings in the mountains are truly beautiful even if the bride is not very nice and the groom appears to have lost his mind..

10. In higher altitudes alcohol affects you much quicker and not noticing that fact can result in a 32 hour hangover that will leave you curled in the fetal position wishing for a Gatorade drip.

11. That I do have people in my life who love me for me and would do anything for me and it was good to be reminded of that.

Hope everyone had a great weekend!

Hello Again

My god my life has been absolutely nuts this month, I have barely had time to sleep let alone post so my apologies.  There are many things to update so in order to keep myself from rambling on and on I will use the ever wonderful bullets

• Dad out of hospital after 17 day stay. He is better but not good. Blood sugar out of whack, bathroom problems and hellacious nosebleeds. He won't come stay with us so I have to go by what he tells me - very frustrating and worrisome.
• Smiley has been covered in hives for 2 weeks. Food allergies have hit our house - peanut, milk, eggs, soybeans etc. Trying to make changes and she is resistant - that baby loves loves her milk and rice milk sucks.
• Our dogs are going to be leaving us soon - as soon as the no kill shelter in our area has room for them. We cannot keep them any longer. Smiley is allergic to them and getting her healthy is priority. We are not home enough to give them proper love and attention. The big girls are sad so is Mr Fly but this is the best for them in the long run.
• Added a new med for Chatty and the ramp up period has been rather stressful. We all walk on egg shells waiting for any sort of backlash that might come from accidentally making the air blow to hard. Dr says give it a full week on the full dosage before making any changes. Hoping she and/or I/Mr Fly make it that long.
• Bug is a full blown bra wearing, leg shaving middle schooler. Too many changes in a short time span are not good for mothers grappling with the fact that her first born is aging rather quickly but not as quickly as her mother who is sure the pre-teen/teen years are going to kill her or make her an alcoholic.
• No job yet, severance runs out in 2 weeks. Mr F is about ready to have a heart attack. I know it will work out in the end. Will have interview next week and hopefully job soon after. Also sending my resume to some other companies.
• Going to Denver on Friday for a friend's wedding. Am leaving the small ones and my other half at home and will try to drink my weight in red bull/vodka and whatever else. I need this break badly, the timing cannot be better. Also, meeting one of my best friends there so hey, free therapy.
• We call Smiley - T Dawg (sisters dubbed her that) and last night I was trying to get her attention and called her T Bag - much laughter followed as the girls thought I was calling her a drink and Mr F's mind immediately went to the gutter. Still giggling this morning.
• The Great Mouse Hunt of 2008 is happening in our house as I type, all bets are off at this point as to who will prevail. 

That is all I have for today. Off to go shopping for a few last minute things and hoping that next week will bring a healthier Dad, dead mice, relaxed Mom, hive free baby, hair free tween and happy Chatty and Mr F still standing from being on his own with the 3 kids whilst Mommy is away

A Year and a Day

So I tried to write this yesterday but I just couldn't, it was just too hard.

As of yesterday, my Mom has been gone for a year. I wasn't really sure what the day would bring or even what I was supposed to do. I mean really how do you mark the anniversary of a death. It isn't something that you celebrate per se and there aren't any Hallmark cards that say, Your loved one has been dead for a year, hope you are dealing with it or Hey, It's been a year get over it already. Do you retreat inside yourself or act as if nothing has happened?  I was in both camps yesterday but mostly some place in between. 

Overall, the day was mostly OK. There were plenty of distractions with Bug (the 11 yr old) having a back-to-school party (first of 4 this week) and chatty and a friend going to the pool and this oh so small matter of our sewer line backing up and having to have roto rooter come clean it out. But through all of that my thoughts were firmly around Mom. I had to try hard to not relive what was going on last year and I mostly succeeded. My most emotional moments were really around Smiley - she is so funny right now and Mom loved this age, she would have gotten such a kick out of her. There is also have the added stress of Dad still being in the hospital. We talked on Saturday night if he wanted me to drive down and put flowers on her grave and he didn't. He told me what he had planned to do (donate $ to the church in her memory) had he been home and he was rather upset that he wasn't home to do it. My brother contended that it was good he was in the hospital because he was distracted. I contend that he would be much happier at home without the various tubing and wires protruding from his body. My brother and I disagree on many things and of course, this is no exception.

I think I have managed pretty well over the past year.  I have my moments of almost crippling grief but I think I have done OK. I can talk about her without crying and can remember all the fun we had. I think I have a harder time when others share their memories of her because I can see the impact that she had on so many other lives and it makes me sad that so many others have holes in their hearts as well.  It is also hard with the girls. Chatty has seemed to have the hardest time with losing Grandma but curiously enough she misses her most when she is having a rough time which is also when I miss her the most. Bug doesn't talk about it much and of course, Smiley doesn't remember her and that is so very very hard for me.

************************************************************************************************************************

Mom, not a day goes by that I don't wish to hear your voice or more importantly your laugh.

I miss our phone calls when I am driving. I even miss those frustrating calls when you couldn't get the computer to work right. I miss being able to just talk and have you listen and tell me it is going to be OK. 

I miss your cooking advice although I think you would be proud of the cook I am becoming.

I have only had one dream about you and in it you were smiling and laughing and it brought me much needed comfort.

The girls miss you so much that it makes my heart hurt but I know that you watch over them and keep them safe.

Plain and simple, I miss you and your presence and your love. I have a hole in my heart that will never heal - it may not hurt as much but it will never be the same.

I love you with all my heart has......Amy

The Past 10 Days

This is very very long, my apologies up front.

The past 10 days have contained 4 surgeries for 3 members of my family, 7 dr's appointments, 4 day visit from SIL and family, 5 days of middle school training and 4 days of pottery camp, many many tears and more stress than I could ever imagine well maybe I could imagine more stress but for my fragile psyche it has been pretty tough.

7/29  Mr Fly had knee surgery. It was not an emergency, he hurt it playing soccer back in June.  The surgery went well and he is recovering nicely but it added an extra layer of complexity to what would happen the next day. As an aside, they gave him versed to relax him, told him it would make him feel like he had a 4 martini lunch.  As they wheeled him away they asked him if he felt like he had had the 2nd martini and he quipped that he would have rather have had a mojito. I laughed as I told him "You know how I know your gay??" Yes the last thing my husband heard before he went under was his own wife questioning his sexuality - wife of the year sitting right here!

7/30 Took Mr F to lunch (he is not a sit at home person) ran a couple of errands and took him home for a healthy dose of painkillers and ice and for me to take a shower (this will be important later).  Get phone call from Dad, he is an ambulance on his way up to a hospital in our fair city with a case of appendicitis.  I meet him at hospital to asses the situation. They will be doing surgery but not sure when. Call FIL to come be with Mr F and kids leave to run home to pick up baby and pick up dinner for everyone (except me, forgot about me)and head back to hospital. He goes into surgery around 8:30 and is out by 9:30 - did great.  I headed home around 10:30, exhausted, hungry and smelly.

7/31 Have an important appointment with therapist in afternoon and Dad is getting released at some point. He calls in morning and gets me all worked up telling me he will be released at 12:08 and he would just sit around in the lobby until I could come get him.  I tell him I will be there in 30 min to talk to nurse. Drop Smiley off at the sitter's and head to the hospital to find out Dad had read the board in his room wrong and the would not be releasing him until he farted and no it certainly would not be until much later in the afternoon if he was lucky. Too late to go home and shower so we headed to appt. After appt, took the girls to get lunch and run another errand. Called Dad and said I would run home take a quick shower and be up to get him. He was ready then so I dropped Mr F off, grabbed diaper bag (Mr F still on painkillers) and went to pick Dad up with big girls and baby. Girls immediately get into fight, I turn around and make one of them stay with Mr F. Got Dad and made the hour drive to his house. Realized that he has very little food in the house and I have nothing to feed the kids and in his small town they don't have fast food and everything else closes early and also forgot a bottle for the baby - not a good thing to forget. Finally get home at 10:00 with 2 very hungry tired kids, hungry smelly tired worried Mommy.  Finally get a shower (3 days later, yes I went 3 days without a shower) and food not fried and not fast.

8/1 Tried to get caught up on laundry and clean up because SIL and family will be visiting on Monday. Went to outdoor theater in 1000% humidity and heat that caused my feet to swell so badly that I had to go barefoot. Got home very late and looking forward to sleeping in.

8/2 phone rings at 8:00 a.m. Dad on his way back up to ER, his neighbor is going to drive him. Met them at hospital after breaking up several fights (the teenage years are clearly going to kill me) spend 5 hours in ER waiting for them to move him to a room. His stomach is so swollen he looks like he's pregnant and he is in a lot of pain. The put a tube down his nose and into his stomach to drain the stuff out. I make it home in time to go with Mr F and the girls to see some of his extended family and to be ignored by FILs bitchy girlfriend.

8/3 Spend day cleaning as much as I can and spend a few hours at hospital with Dad. Swelling has gone down some but he cannot have anything by mouth so his mouth and throat are very very dry but he is doing ok.

8/4 Tweenager has middle school training class every morning this week. Clean some more, go see Dad and take chatty to pottery camp every afternoon this week. Get groceries and head home. Guests arrive and chaos ensues. Dad is still the same, tells me I don't have to come see him because I have so much going on. Tell him that is not on the table and I will be there every day.

8/5 MS training, Pottery camp go to brunch with guests and then head to family therapy. Head to hospital while guests go visit some other friends. Dad hasn't improved much if any.

8/6 MS training, Pottery camp, take Smiley to the pediatric asthma specialist and find out that yes, she does have asthma and put together action plan. At the same time Mr F is at the other end of town with Chatty at her psychiatrist appointment. Decide her stimulant meds are ok but need to add a mood stabilizer (not happy about this but am going to try for 6 wks) to help with her anger issues. I drop Smiley at sitters, head to school to pick up Tweenager and Chatty to take Chatty back to other end of town for appointment with psychologist. While waiting on Dr, Dad calls, morning xrays were worse than prior days and he will be having surgery but not sure when. Go ahead with appt and head home. Go pick up Smiley and Chatty and Dad calls again will be doing surgery soon. Speed home drop all kids with SIL (Mr F on his way home) and head to hospital. Delayed surgery to 9:00 and then it was bumped up and then moved back. Dr explains that he is concerned because Dad's bowels and intestines do not appear to be working and they need to know why. Will do scope unless they find anything big and then they would have to open him up to fix. I am scared shitless and very very worried that he will die. Mr F bring me a sandwich and SIL to sit with me while I waited, both were welcomed. Surgery is quick. A band of fat has slipped down and obstructed the bowel. Dr took it out and said everything else looked good - no bowel/intestine perforations etc. He got back to room at 11:00 I told him goodnight and headed home.

8/7 MS training, Pottery Camp. Talked to Dad this morning, told him what they found in surgery etc. He was pretty groggy so I told him I would come up later. Toilet flooded not sure why. BIL tried like to fix but was unsuccessful. Saw guests off. Took big girls to lunch and then ran some errands. Black sheep brother called and was pissy with me because Dad isn't feeling good because you know that is my responsibility. Head to hospital and Dad really does not feel good. Dr came in and pulled back to covers and Dad's stomach looked like it did 5 days ago - swollen and it is very very tender to touch. Dad told Dr that he had had a very bad day which is not like my Dad at all. Dr says he will give it another 24 hours. I asked what would happen after 24 hours and he didn't really have an answer, he only said I can't imagine that he wouldn't be better. But I can tell he is perplexed. As he was standing there, I could almost hear the wheels turning in his head.

So that has been my last 10 days, I have been so busy it has not been funny but it has done one good thing, take my mind off the fact that as of Sunday Mom will have been gone for a year. My diet has been crappy, I haven't been getting enough sleep and my emotions are on the surface. I am so afraid of losing my Dad. I was already battling the depression and this is not helping but I cannot find the time to get in to see a Dr.  Hell I can't even get the prescriptions my kids need filled. I am being pulled in 50 different directions and to top all of that off, when I got home tonight Smiley fell and hit her mouth and had a breath holding spell which means she holds her breath until she passes out - I had the phone in my hand ready to call 911 when she finally came around.

I haven't done any back to school shopping, Tweenager had to cancel a planned movie outing where I was going to take her and several friends to see a movie because if anything happens with Dad I need to get to the hospital quickly and can't have other kids with me - too stressful. Tweenager was as understanding as she could be but the poor baby was so upset and she has been planning this for 2 weeks. She is also experiencing a high amount of anxiety related to starting middle school in a couple of weeks

I have so much to do in the next couple of weeks, including a small task called finding a job since my severance and insurance run out at the end of the month. To say I am stressed is a small understatement.  I know I need to take care of myself but I can honestly say, I don't know how. Therapist says I need to take time for myself but I don't have time to find someone to take care of my kids and Mr F is pretty much back in school mode. He starts soccer practice next week and then school starts and then soccer season starts and then it is pure craziness.

I know it will slow down soon and I will be able to relax once things settle down a bit but until then I am hanging on by a thread, a very thin thread but I am hanging on nonetheless.

Now I am off to feed my inner rockstar with some Guitar Hero 3.

Taking What Back?

One of my main stressors right now is the state of our house.  I can't get ahead because I can't get caught up and I clean up the same damn messes every.single.day.  My big kids won't help unless I get so frustrated and break into tears (not proud of that).  I have tried begging, bribing and punishing to no avail.  Mr Fly hurt his knee about a month ago and can't be up on it too much so it is all left to me and I can't do it.

After Mr F and I had a heart to heart conversation last week and I explained all of this to him, he agreed that we needed to spend the weekend taking back our house and it would be a group effort because he is having knee surgery (nothing major, just arthroscopic to repair a torn something or other) tomorrow and it needed to be done before then. 

I will spare the details because it really just makes me angry but suffice it to say, I am almost in the exact same position I was in last week.  We did make some small progress here and there but overall I am no better off and I am even more frustrated because I told him that I am tired of making all of these plans to make things better around here and then we never follow through and it is the lack of follow through that is even more frustrating. 

It shouldn't be this hard to keep a house looking semi-presentable.  I should be able to count on my family to help me out but I am tired of arguing and begging them to help so I just do it myself and fume the whole time and then I am really cranky because I am caught in the vicious cycle.  And it will be worse after tomorrow because Mr F will be down for a couple of days, SIL comes next week and will be here for 3.5 days and the house will be destroyed then and then we have a slumber party and then Mr F will start 2 a day practices for a week and then school starts.  It stresses me out to even think about it.

How do you all do it?  Do you split chores?  This is something I am talking to our family therapist about because there has to be a better way.  The girls have got to become more responsible for themselves and their things without making me be a bitch about it.  I am even more worried about what will happen when I go back to work.  I know that hiring a cleaning service will be at the top of the list - no matter what I have to give up to make it affordable. 

I cannot continue this cycle, but how to break it?  I don't have the first clue.

(This is a part of an exercise that our family therapist has me doing to figure out the things that are currently stressing me out/making me angry or both)

The Day After

Well it has really been 2 days and I am better, not normal but better.  As hard as it was to post my last entry, it was very cathartic.  I needed someone to know I was hurting and I needed to know that I was not alone.  And I am definitely not alone which makes me sad and comforts me all at the same time. But most of all, I needed to get the emotion out of me.  That post ranks up there on hardest things I have ever had to do and it is only behind accepting that my Mother was going to die and telling my children, on 2 different occasions, that their grandmother(s) were going to die. 

So where am I at?  My psychiatrist that I saw previously seems to have moved or is no longer practicing so I searching for a new Dr.  We don't really have a family practitioner because there has not been a need for the past couple of years for regular care. But we have a family therapist that we all see to help us deal with our beloved middle child and since I had to reschedule a family therapy appointment today I asked her for a recommendation for a psychiatrist/therapist. I had a really good conversation with her and she has offered to see me individually until I can get in to see someone else.  She can't put me on meds but she can listen and that is all I want and it will suffice for the time being.  She did ask if I was in crisis and I don't think I am but I do think I am sliding quickly.  I have a couple of things planned with friends and I have started running again (12 miles this week woot!) and I am talking and/or blogging.  Talking so much my husband probably wishes I would shut the hell up but oh well. She said all of those things were very good and to keep them up.

Mr Fly and I had a great conversation last night and I was completely honest with him about what has happened and where I am emotionally and I do think he was surprised at how far I have fallen but he is also so very supportive and wants to help me get better.  He has stepped up beyond what I even would have expected and just reinforces why I love him so much (commence epuking). 

I will be back to myself and soon, I know it, I believe it.

And I cannot close without thanking all of you for the comments, e-mails and phone calls.  They touched me so deeply and helped improve my mental status 10-fold.  You all are the best and I bestow upon you all The Flybunny Gold Star of Awesomeness (they are very very rare so count yourselves lucky!) which someday will earn you a really great prize like a mix CD or something - aren't you happy?

Funky Flybunny

I have been trying to write this post for the past hour and can't get past the first sentence no matter how I word it or how I change it around it just doesn't work so forgive me if this is disjointed.

I have been through a bout of depression before.  It wasn't too serious and I recognized fairly early that the effect of the things that were happening were having on me and sought out help pretty quickly.  I took Prozac for 6 months before I found out I was pregnant and then weaned myself off because I felt better and things have been pretty good since then.  Sure there have been some major stresses but I got through them fine. The past month or so, not so much.

Thing is I probably didn't even really realize what was going on until I read this http://www.whiskeyinmysippycup.com/2008/02/22/leap-of-faith-friday/  and then I saw myself through my daughter's eyes as Mr Lady see's her own mother and it scared the living hell out of me (sorry for the long url but typepad has changed somethings that I just cannot figure out at this wee hour). Things have happened in the past week that have made me doubt not only who I am as a person, but what kind of Mother I am and I would never in a million years have thought I would be where I am today.

I am a yeller screamer.  I am impatient with just about everything but quiet.  I am anxious and overly emotional.  I get frustrated and I cry. The little things eat away at me.  I don't forget what happened a month ago.  I say things I immediately regret and find it hard to apologize. I snap at everyone and everything and at times, I feel like a hormonal teen trapped in a 37 yr old body.  Or I just check out and don't deal at all.  I stare vacantly at a book or the TV.  I don't react to anything or anyone.  I sit and try to block it all out because I fear if I let it in, it will be my undoing. I am holding on to the the rope that separates the scary deep end of the pool from the shallow end but my grip has slackened and last week, I almost let go...

Today, I cried.  I could not cope with anything - the baby crying, the girls having a minor disagreement, dinner, the chaos that has overtaken my house or forgetting my wallet that took up an extra hour that I needed.  I cried because I want my Mom.  I want my middle child to be OK.  I want my oldest to be less anxious.  I cried because I feel so overwhelmed it is suffocating.  I cried because I am so lonely that my heart hurts.  Whether it is true or not, when I had my moment last week, I had no one that I could turn to (outside of my husband) who would listen without judgment and could make me feel better and tell me that is is going to be OK .  I needed a friend but had no where to turn.  I am still crying.

Tomorrow, I call the psychiatrist.

Confession Time

It must be the time of the year because I have read several different blogs where the writer is deciding whethere to close up shop or not and honestly, that is where I am at as well.  

I started blogging because I needed an outlet - so many things were going on in my life and I needed a place to let it all hang out and this really fufilled my need but then I ran into the dilemma on how secret I wanted to keep my identity.  I tried message boards but that was too hard and women on message boards can be down right nasty to each other so I got tired of all of the bickering when I really just needed to vent or talk and wanted feedback or support so I quit posting and started blogging.  I tried a couple of different times but didn't really get the hang of it until I started this one.

Originally I wanted to remain fully anonymous but that was really hard and remembering to use code names for the girls was really hard so eventually I dropped them (although in a few recent posts I have started using them again) but because of their names and some of the issues I have blogged about I realized it would be pretty easy for those that know me to figure out that this is my blog and with that knowledge, I started holding back which is not like me.   I typically don't hold anything back and it really bothers me that I have started to self sensor.  I need to be able to talk about somethings, things that I probably wouldn't talk about/tell the subjects of the conversation - more so that I can get the words out and  get feedback on my feelings etc so I can process them. 

Thing is, I really enjoy blogging and reading blogs (oh how I LOVE to read blogs) but it almost seems like a chore to blog these days.  Not that I don't have anything to say because I NEVER EVER run out of things to say but I just feel like I need to watch what I say and that makes it very hard to be myself.  I would help if I could password protect some posts but Typepad doesn't have that feature or maybe it does and I just haven't figured it out, which is entirely possible.  I guess what I am saying in a rambling way it that I am at a blogging crossroads of sorts because I don't feel like I am blogging for myself right now (because if I was I would tell you about the crazy ass person who has invaded my life).  I thought taking some time and not updating would help me figure it out but it really hasn't, it has just made it that much harder and during this time, my already meager readership has dropped because who wants to stick around and read a blog that is never updated.

What I really need is some inspiration or a cause or something to be passionate about that will open the floodgates of words that are inside of meeting waiting to get out.  Does anyone have any suggestions?  How do I stay true to myself while not revealing too much?  How can I get past this?  or should I just close up shop and call it a day?  I would love any and all feedback....