I have been trying to write this post for the past hour and can't get past the first sentence no matter how I word it or how I change it around it just doesn't work so forgive me if this is disjointed.
I have been through a bout of depression before. It wasn't too serious and I recognized fairly early that the effect of the things that were happening were having on me and sought out help pretty quickly. I took Prozac for 6 months before I found out I was pregnant and then weaned myself off because I felt better and things have been pretty good since then. Sure there have been some major stresses but I got through them fine. The past month or so, not so much.
Thing is I probably didn't even really realize what was going on until I read this http://www.whiskeyinmysippycup.com/2008/02/22/leap-of-faith-friday/ and then I saw myself through my daughter's eyes as Mr Lady see's her own mother and it scared the living hell out of me (sorry for the long url but typepad has changed somethings that I just cannot figure out at this wee hour). Things have happened in the past week that have made me doubt not only who I am as a person, but what kind of Mother I am and I would never in a million years have thought I would be where I am today.
I am a yeller screamer. I am impatient with just about everything but quiet. I am anxious and overly emotional. I get frustrated and I cry. The little things eat away at me. I don't forget what happened a month ago. I say things I immediately regret and find it hard to apologize. I snap at everyone and everything and at times, I feel like a hormonal teen trapped in a 37 yr old body. Or I just check out and don't deal at all. I stare vacantly at a book or the TV. I don't react to anything or anyone. I sit and try to block it all out because I fear if I let it in, it will be my undoing. I am holding on to the the rope that separates the scary deep end of the pool from the shallow end but my grip has slackened and last week, I almost let go...
Today, I cried. I could not cope with anything - the baby crying, the girls having a minor disagreement, dinner, the chaos that has overtaken my house or forgetting my wallet that took up an extra hour that I needed. I cried because I want my Mom. I want my middle child to be OK. I want my oldest to be less anxious. I cried because I feel so overwhelmed it is suffocating. I cried because I am so lonely that my heart hurts. Whether it is true or not, when I had my moment last week, I had no one that I could turn to (outside of my husband) who would listen without judgment and could make me feel better and tell me that is is going to be OK . I needed a friend but had no where to turn. I am still crying.
Tomorrow, I call the psychiatrist.
Honey, I'll tell you something. My mother beat me until I bled and chased my with baseball bats. You are HUMAN. We cry, we scream, we lose it. It doesn't make us bad moms. It makes up PEOPLE. Call your doctor, get the help you need, but you (and I don't know you, but I'm betting I'm right here) are not my mother any more than I am. People like MY mother can never see it. Mine still can't understand why I haven't called home in 17 years. YOU are trying, and that really, really matters.
PS: now you have my email. Now you have someone.
Posted by: Mr Lady | July 23, 2008 at 01:20 AM
I wish there were some magical words I could write to take it all away. Being a mom is one TOUGH job...it's overwhelming and you're never off duty. And not only is it tough but there's that rotten thing called mother guilt always lurking around. I've 'known' you for quite awhile and I see you as an attentive, loving mom. When we're at our low points that gets all out of whack and what we see/feel is all jumbled up. (If that makes sense.)Stick with your plan of seeing your dr. and if only for a few minutes a week take a breather from it all. Even if it's only a solo trip to buy a loaf of bread. You also have my email, keep your tweets going too. Take care friend......
Posted by: simplypink | July 23, 2008 at 08:29 AM
I will email you STAT.
Posted by: cagey | July 23, 2008 at 09:14 AM
I'm sorry you forgot your wallet. I missed seeing you, but we'll make it happen sometime.
I understand the lacking a friend thing. I lost my best friends when I went through my last major bipolar episode over two years ago. They walked out on me and I've yet to find new friendships (probably a trust issue on my part). It's hard to have only a husband to vent to. It's not the same as having girlfriends.
Do you have a good psychiatrist. If not, mine ROCKS and he's in your area.
Be good to yourself.
Posted by: Tracy | July 23, 2008 at 11:38 AM
Amy, hugs to you, seriously. I've been on something for almost a year. Even now with the baby, I just can't not be on it. The crying and the anxiety alone make it hard to cope, and that doesn't even go into the rest of it. I hope you call someone and I hope that it gets better quick. You deserve happiness and your girls do too.
If you ever need to talk, I'll listen. I know it's not the same, but I promise to listen.
Hugs, Issa
Posted by: Issa | July 23, 2008 at 07:18 PM
You are human. And normal. We're all flawed. I made the mistake of going off my zoloft for a few days and now I'm in the darkest hole. Just know that you'll see the sun again soon. That's what I keep telling myself.
Thinking of you...
Posted by: Jenny, Bloggess | July 23, 2008 at 08:04 PM
Featured on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:
http://tinyurl.com/5ovhgd
Posted by: Jenny, Bloggess | July 27, 2008 at 06:54 PM